Wow. It’s been some time.
Last time I wrote I talked about quarantine and how it caused me to think more deeply about what it was that made me happy. I wasn’t in the best place when I published that post and even now that I am about to publish another post, I am still not in a great place, but I think expressing what has been going on with me will help me sort through some shit.
We’re just about six months into the shelter in place / social distance / quarantine in The Bay Area, six whole months. Although we are slowly opening restaurants, stores and other businesses I still feel like I need to be cautious when leaving my house because I myself have immune deficiencies as well as my brother and my father. I have to not only protect myself but them as well.
Let’s go back to six whole months. Half of 2020 has been spent inside of my home. At some point home started to feel like prison. I was working from home at a makeshift workstation put together with boxes that my brother’s dialysis supplies were shipped in, on top of bins that hold my winter clothes, with wood shelves I took from the garage to give me some type of stability. Hey, I did what I could with what I had because I thought it would be temporary. Never in a million years did I think that I would STILL be working at this makeshift workstation in my room. I wake up, roll my ass out of bed, brush my teeth and start my work day. every. single. day. I work in my room, I sleep in my room, on most days I eat in my room and at some point these four walls started to close in on me. We’ll come back to this.
In general my health is subpar at best. I have a bunch of medical problems that I treat with a plethora of medications, I am a cancer survivor so I do not have that great of an immune system (I honestly have never really had the best immune system anyway so you can imagine what it’s like after battling cancer.) and so this is just something that I have come to live with. The reason why I bring this up is because I am GREAT at ignoring what I need to do to take care of myself. When I don’t feel well my mind automatically goes to a place of “omg what is it now” and I just don’t deal with it. Again we will come back to this.
2020 in general has been the biggest shit show in my entire existence. It started off well, my birthday in January came and went, I had planned a trip to NY, which was a dream (even if it was at the beginning of COVID-19) but then I came home and reality set in quick. The night I flew back into SFO was the first night of Shelter in Place. I was worried about having water, toilet paper, paper towels and my essential meds that I take on a daily basis. I can’t even lie and say that I wasn’t scared out of my mind, not even for me but for my entire family. THANK GOD I live with my family, so I wasn’t going to lack human interaction. but again, nobody could have pictured us having to do this as long as we have.
So now that I have (sort of) laid it out for Y’all I am going to attempt to explain where I may have went wrong. I have always been the type to struggle with things internally, passive aggressively at times. I like to write about how I am feeling or listen to music that could somehow explain how I am feeling but I will not verbalize it until it’s too late. I don’t like asking for people’s help, I rather struggle through it and fix it myself. Not exactly toxic but not exactly healthy either. I don’t trust many people, I actually don’t even really like people if I’m being honest lol but again, I internalize pretty much everything and then when it starts to overwhelm me I explode.
The last 6 months have been such a rollercoaster of emotions for me I was lucky to find my small group of people that I talked to daily, I had my family but somewhere along the line I forgot that I needed to take care of me. The last month or so I have be so mentally drained and on top of that I wasn’t sleeping well, I lost my work routine, my meal routine, everything was just a mess. Now, usually I am extremely level headed, and even when I internalize my own shit, I am able to talk to others and function just fine — except I was using everything I could to distract myself from taking care of myself, mentally and physically. I can’t even tell you the countless times I would cry for no reason (or so I thought) at all, then get frustrated because I was breaking down. If there is one thing that I do not like its breaking down. Now that I have come out of the other side of all of this I am realizing that I was having a full on mental and physical breakdown and ignoring it.
A little over a week ago I deactivated all of my social media, I left any and ALL group chats I was involved in and I distanced myself from a lot of people. There was a situation that was kind of “the straw that broke the camels back” so to say and I knew if I did not do something at that moment that I would take out all of my anger, frustrations, feelings etc. on people who didn’t deserve that. The situation hurt my feelings, but I didn’t know how to properly address it without being an asshole. So for the first time in a long time I did what I needed to do for ME. AND. IT. WAS. EVERY. THING. I. NEVER. KNEW. I. NEEDED. I am always putting others first. I have come to terms with the fact that this is who I am, and always will be. There have been plenty of people who have taken advantage of this and it was hard to cut them out of my life, but I know that this is something that will continue to happen, I just need to know when to let go.
Anyway, I gave myself a week. I knew if I could make it a week, I would be okay to re-activate and allow myself short time spans on social media. Before all of this happened I was spending AT LEAST 14 hours with the phone in my hand, on facetime, on IG live, working on my YouTube channel, watching YouTube, etc. I was also staying up way past a decent time for me to get the rest I knew I needed and I was continuing to do this even when I knew my body was exhausted. In this week my screen time went down, I averaged just over an hour a day. I was spending more time exercising (to the best of my abilities with not feeling good and having problems breathing due to the wildfires in California), I was spending more time reading and studying the bible, I was meditating and doing Yoga, I was being present. In the moment and I was sorting through all of the emotions I have experienced in 2020. I cried ALOT, I screamed..ALOT, I slept…ALOT lol
To the people who reach out to me during this time, and listened to what I had to say without making me feel crazy or judged, I appreciate you. To the people who saw I wasn’t on IG and reached out to see if I was okay, I appreciate you. I know a lot of you had questions about where I was and why so here it is. And if you didn’t reach out, I can’t blame you, sometimes people disappear without explanation and just know that maybe at the time it was the best they could do for themselves. I know I am not the only one who has struggled with quarantine, so if you read this and you’re realizing that you too are overwhelmed and perhaps need someone who knows where you’re coming from, I am your girl. Find a way to contact me because I am more than happy to listen.
If there is anything I have learned it is this: I am not perfect. Nobody should expect me to be. I will do things wrong. I was probably say and do things I don’t be to be harmful but I am only human. I am always evolving, and growing and learning.